Choosing Motherhood: My Journey to Becoming a Single Mom by Choice

 

The pandemic transformed countless lives, often for the worse. It was a particularly difficult year for me, as I lost the one person, I loved more than anyone else in my life. Overnight, I was separated from my niece, whom I had cared for as if she were my own child for over five years. She spent half of each week living with me and the other half with her parents since she was an infant.

The loss was overwhelming, and it took me more than a year to begin to heal, both mentally and emotionally. I had envisioned so many plans for her and never once doubted that she was like a child to me. The experience was devastating, but also profoundly humbling. I grappled with the pain of losing someone I felt so deeply connected to, despite not being her biological parent. It was a struggle to accept and understand why I felt such intense grief for someone else’s child, even though she was my sister’s daughter and my beloved niece. I had dreams of getting her a passport and taking her on adventures around the world. I planned to open an investment account and a 529 plan for her education. But I was reminded that she was not my child, and I was living in a fantasy.

In a way, after four years, I can now say I’m grateful for the experience. It helped me see who my true family is and clarified my priorities in life. I began to live for myself rather than sacrificing everything for others. It was as if my life truly began anew. Following that experience, I decided in 2021 to have a child of my own, though I have not had one yet. While I didn’t envision myself getting married, I did see myself as a mother. Having cared for more than a dozen children from a young age up until now, I felt confident in my ability to be a mom.

In 2022, I found the love of my life. We shared aligned priorities, values, and dreams, and I felt confident that marriage and starting a family were just around the corner. I invested my savings into a family emergency, depleting my funds but I had the reassurance that I wouldn’t be solely responsible for a child—my partner would share that financial responsibility.

However, after about a year, we began to drift apart, and by early 2024, we had broken up. As I navigated the pain of the breakup and the awkward transition from being a couple to living as roommates—since I couldn’t afford to move out—I found myself reflecting deeply on my life and priorities once again.

Now, at thirty years old, I am acutely aware of the ticking clock. I no longer have the luxury to wait for the right partner to come along, go through the stages of relationships to finally start a family without any guarantees of a lasting relationship. My desire to be a mother is stronger than ever, but the reality is advancing age makes conception more challenging and costly. I’m also aware of the increased risks associated with being a Black African woman, including higher infant and maternal mortality rates, which only intensify my urgency.

I am ready to start this process again, armed with greater knowledge and conviction. The journey ahead is daunting, but my determination to become a mother remains unwavering.